celebration

the latest in my messy little life

Happy Aloha Friday!

Next month I'll be turning fifty. I know. I almost choked on my words as they were coming out of my mouth. Where did the time go? It seems like not too long ago I was thirty six.

I've always been a little shy about my birthday. It seems too bold to have the spotlight on me. I'd rather play small. Pretend I don't care. Not ask for too much.

This year, I was telling myself there was no reason to celebrate. Now that my husband is gone, there's no reason for a trip with overwater bungalows. Now that I don't drink anymore there's no point in girls' night out.

Because of all of my dietary restrictions there's no way I would enjoy a fancy dinner out with my son. And because some of my friends have moved away, I had convinced myself that I no longer had a tribe.

And then something shifted. And I asked myself if any of that was actually true. Of course, the answer was no. I took a good look around and realized that I do have friends here after all. People who are on the same page as me as far as compassion and personal growth are concerned. People who understand the struggles of parenting and humanness and mental health. People who I have stayed connected with or who I have become connected with since my husband died.

It's hasn't been easy to be my friend because it was impossible for me to be a friend at all. I was not capable for so long of reciprocating anything. I could only talk about myself. My trauma. My recovery. It was all consuming. And people didn't know what to say. They didn't know how to act. But a few of them stuck it out. And a few joined me on my journey.

It's been a long road. I have a lot to be grateful for. I have a lot to be proud of which, in itself, is reason for celebration. So I've been busy planning. A get together with girlfriends. A trip to see my family. And a spa day just for me.

Here's to me.

Until next time,

Aloha