Ep 10 - Fear of Happiness
In this episode I talk about how I started having random pain and other symptoms after my husband died, how maybe it's safer to play small and stay with what's familiar instead of risking more loss and how I am safe and no longer need to live in fear.
Some of these issues have been resolved but mostly the symptoms just keep showing up, one at time, over and over again. When one goes away, another one - or something new- takes its place. And anything uncomfortable or unusual that I feel in my body causes anxiety and has me worrying that something is terribly wrong. And then that leads to panic.
If I let my guard down and just relax, the other shoe might drop. So instead, maybe I should just keep on worrying and brace myself for whatever might come next. Maybe it’s safer to play small and stay with what’s familiar instead of risking more loss. More grief. More heartache. Maybe it’s better to just fail in advance, instead of taking the chance. Living in fear of the next terrible thing that could come in and destroy everything.
I was raised by a highly critical, abusive, alcoholic mother in a tumultuous and unpredictable environment. I rarely felt safe. I felt less than. I constantly tried to be good and keep quiet and make everyone happy. And along the way a lot of damaging and disappointing things happened, one by one, until my husband died. But I am not that little girl anymore. I am not in any danger. There is no tiger chasing me. I don’t have to constantly look over my shoulder. I don’t have to anticipate the next bad thing. I no longer need to live in fear. I am safe.