Ep 13 - Grief Grenade
In this episode I talk about how sadness is fairly new for me in this journey, how anger is a disguise for what is hiding below the surface and how it took losing my husband to learn how to love myself and figure out who I am.
A grief grenade is a term I learned for when you are going about your life, maybe driving or grocery shopping or talking to a friend when a memory or a scent or a trigger gets dropped on you like a bomb, reminding you that your person is gone. You would think that grief grenades would happen all the time, considering my husband died. Or not as much anymore? Since it’s been almost three years that he’s been gone. But as crazy as it sounds, sadness is fairly new for me in this journey.
I've learned that anger is easy. It's a default. A cover. A copout. It's a disguise for what is hiding below the surface. The hard feelings. The ones I would give anything to avoid. And as I've begun to resolve some of the resentment and the regret and the heartbreak, I've found something else buried underneath. And I keep thinking, so here it is. What I've been wishing for all this time. Sadness. And it isn't easy.
And now I can grieve more authentically. Without hesitation. Without fear or criticism. Without questioning where I should be. Without caring who may be judging me. Without self-doubt. Without denial. With only love. Now I can be the me I am meant to be. But I can only be that version of me without him. It took losing him to learn how to love myself and to figure out who I am. And who I want to be now. Do I want to be someone who lives in fear of more pain or do I want to be brave and choose discomfort on purpose because I know that’t the only way I will grow.