Ep 14 - Hot Mess Express
In this episode I talk about how when I use terms like hot mess to describe myself it makes me feel awful, how I've learned that we tell ourselves stories and I've been telling mine for years and how I have my shit together way more than I give myself credit for.
I’ve used exaggerated terms like Hot Mess, Train Wreck, Dumpster Fire, Shit Show. They’re more exciting. More entertaining. But when I use those terms to describe myself, it makes me feel… well, pretty awful. Like a failure. I’ve always had high expectations. Of myself and everyone else. I expected to be perfect. To get everything just right. To prove myself. If I was late, if I forgot something, if I was wrong, if I cried or made a mistake, I would call myself and idiot. I didn’t give myself any grace. I didn’t allow myself to be human. I was so critical and always looking for ways that I didn’t measure up.
I've learned that we tell ourselves stories and I've been telling mine for years. I'm crazy. I'm different. I am not enough. It's how I describe myself. It's the armor I put up. It's the excuse I use. I've said it so many times to myself, and everyone else, that I started to believe it was a fact. But none of it is true.
I said to my life coach once that I would love to become a coach too but I had to get my shit together first. She asked me how I measure having my shit together and how I would know when I have achieved it. (Yes, I pay this person to challenge my brain and to make me cry). When I started to pick it apart, I realized that I actually have my shit way more together than I give myself credit for. But it’s hard to see that when I’m so busy shitting on myself all the time.