Ep 19 - What If
In this episode I talk about how I always know when I'm ready to do something big and daring and bold when the thought of it puts a huge smile on my face and makes me want to throw up at the same time, how after my husband died my "what if" ideas were replaced with "what if" thought spirals and how the only weapons I've found to be effective against panicked thoughts are logic and love.
And I can always tell when I’m ready to do something big and daring and bold when just the thought of it puts a huge smile on my face and kind of makes me want to throw up at the same time. It’s the feeling that Glennon Doyle calls “scarecited.” Scared and excited all at once. And no matter what obstacles pop up along the way I find a way around them. I won’t be stopped. And those ideas start with the words what if. What if I quit my job? What if I moved to Maui? What if I left this toxic relationship for good?
I was on a roll for a while there dreaming up ideas, setting and crushing goals, feeling like I was at my best. But after my husband died, my what if big, bold ideas were quickly replaced with terrifying what if thought spirals. Not only did I stop coming up with new ideas but I started to ruminate about all the possible dangers and tragedies that might follow. Just the thought of running errands or dropping my son off for a playdate or even taking a walk around my neighborhood conjured up a whole slew of fears.
The only weapons I have found to be effective against those panicked what if thoughts are logic and love. I used to get ten steps ahead of myself, imagining the worst case scenario, convinced everything was falling apart. I would get extremely frustrated with myself, criticizing and judging for not having a normal functioning brain. I would find my self zoning out on my phone, disassociating and drinking the thought away. Shockingly, all of those things just made me feel even worse.