Ep 20 - The Affair
In this episode I talk about how after I found out my husband died I would ruminate on all the things I should have done, how I found out something that I can never unknow, undo or forget and how I learned that forgiveness was something I could do for myself.
I would wrack my brain trying to figure out what I could have done differently. How I could have stopped this from happening. If I could have said something that might have saved his life. I would ruminate on all the things I should have done when he left me.
The guilt and regret were overwhelming. All I could think about were all the mistakes I made. All the time I wasted trying to hold my tongue and find my place in this new life we were living. All I could think about was how our chance to find our way back to each other was gone for good. And then I learned something. Something that changed me forever. Something I can never unknow or undo or forget.
My husband had an affair.
I’ve always thought forgiveness was about acceptance. I thought it was about letting someone off the hook and excusing what they did to me. I thought it was about bowing down and giving in and condoning what was done. I learned that forgiveness was something I could do for myself. I could put down all the resentment and the shame and the hate. For me. For me to be able to move past this without letting it define me.