Ep 23 - Control Freak
In this episode I talk about how I don't like change and don't adjust well to new things, how I can always tell when my emotions are getting away from me when I don't even realize I'm having them and how I've learned that the need for control is about feeling safe.
On the day of my phone appointment, I was told that my doctor, the one who knows my entire history and knows all about my health anxiety and how to speak to me gently and reassuringly was not available and that I would be speaking to someone else. I was totally put off by this because I don’t like change. I don’t adjust well to new things and, just like Rain Man, I like for things to take place just as they were planned every single time, which is completely unrealistic, I know.
I can always tell when my emotions are getting away from me when I don’t even realize I am having them. I’m suddenly just agitated and can’t think straight and have absolutely zero patience. All of my tools have gone straight out the window, along with logical thinking. I’m just trying to survive and to breathe. I’m just trying to escape.
It wasn’t until I started doing a lot of therapy and life coaching that I learned it wasn’t about being bossy or bitchy or being mean but it was about feeling safe. It turns out being in control, along with other behaviors I have, are coping mechanisms used to survive a lot of bad shit from my past.