Ep 25 - Season Finale
In this episode I talk about how I decided to start my own podcast, how I've often wondered if consistently talking about my husband keeps grief in the forefront of my mind and is keeping me from moving forward in some way and how I thought this would be a good place to pause and come up for air and decide what I want the podcast to look like going forward.
The next thing I knew I was not only picking a name for my podcast but I was recording the first episode. All the while my brain was saying “who do you think you are? Nobody is going to listen to you. Who cares what you have to say. You’re not special. You’re just a nobody. You should quit while you’re ahead.”
Along the way I’ve often wondered if consistently writing and talking about my husband, Brian, keeps grief in the forefront of my mind. I’ve wondered if talking about his suicide and how our lives have been affected by that keeps me stuck in a widow state of mine. I’ve wondered if posting and following the topics I do on social media is preventing me from moving forward in some way. Only looking for the loss and not focusing on all the progress and the growth. I’ve wondered if it’s safer to stay in this place that feels awful yet familiar rather than venture out into something scary and new.
I thought this would be a good place to pause and come up for air. To take some time to myself before recording more. To take a step back and reflect. To recognize how far I’ve come and where I want to go next. And what I want the podcast to look like going forward. But also just to be for a little while. To explore what it might feel like to identify as a human and not necessarily as a widow. To work on being present and continuing to grow as a person. And maybe decide what I want to be when I grow up.