Ep 26 - Now What?
In this episode I talk about how I still get nervous when talking to new people who don't already know my husband died, how my real healing began when I started loving myself and how I feel like I'm at the mercy of my hormones.
It also turns out that even when I am trying to be a normal every day person as opposed to a “widow,” I still feel nervous and awkward when talking to new people, who don’t already know what happened. I worry about at what point in the conversation the topic of my husband will come up. I anticipate them asking me what he does for a living, or if he’s military or some other detail about him as a way of getting to know me.
The third year was about growing and learning all that I could about myself. It was about having compassion. The realization that everyone is struggling sometimes. That life is hard and that we can help lift each other up. It was about peeling back the layers of anger and rage and finding deep sadness. It was about forgiveness. And the real healing began when I started loving myself. I was shocked and sad and surprised at how little I had loved myself before. When I stopped judging myself and started giving myself grace, in a way it set me free.
I’ve spend the last three years trying to heal. Trying to survive. And trying to get back to “normal.” And now this. I feel like I am at the mercy of my hormones, never knowing when a migraine will take me out for 3-4 days. Or when the debilitating cramps might hit. And the fatigue. It feels like I can barely move. I am far too young to feel this old.