Ep 30 - Dateable
In this episode I talk about how the idea of a partner sounds nice but the production of finding one sounds hideous, how I worry that in a relationship I will lose myself again and how I've already survived the worst heartbreak of all.
The funny thing is, I’m not even sure I want to date anyone. The idea of having a partner, someone to laugh with and someone to maybe take the trash out once in a while sounds kind of nice. But the production of looking for a partner sounds hideous. Meeting somewhere for lunch. Conducting and undergoing the interviewing process. Trying to get to know someone all over again.
I’ve done a lot of work on myself, which hasn’t exactly been easy. I’ve had to face some hard truths and get really honest about who I am. I’ve had to remember things I would rather forget. I’ve learned how to set boundaries and how to say no. I’ve learned to speak up for myself even though it still feels terrible when I do. So I worry that in a relationship, I will lose myself again and forget all the hard work I’ve done. I worry that the fear of being left again will cause me to compromise what I really want. And that the need to be loved will be stronger than the love I have for myself.
Of course I worry about getting my heart broken. I’m sure everyone does. But then again, I’ve already survived the worst heartbreak of all. Maybe nothing can hurt me now.