Ep 32 - The Stillness
In this episode I talk about how I had my worst migraine attack yet, how I used to keep myself busy to avoid thoughts and feelings and how I blame toxic productivity culture for not knowing how to rest.
When I woke up Friday morning and stumbled my way to the bathroom with only one eye fully functioning and feeling like the ground was slightly tilted to the side, I thought “is it..?”As I made my way to the kitchen to start breakfast, I stared to feel the nausea creeping in and the right side of my head start to ache. As I continued to get ready for the day, I felt the pain in the entire right side of my body. And when I stepped outside to take my son to school and felt like the sun was touching my brain, that’s when I knew that, yep, it was definitely a migraine. Shit.There go the next few days.
I’ve also learned along the way that busying myself was my way of buffering. Along with alcohol, I would keep myself busy as a way of avoiding. Thoughts I didn’t want to hear. Emotions I didn’t want to feel. I would cram errands and chores and plans into every waking moment. And when those ran out, I would have a drink and watch TV or scroll through my phone to check out. And it worked. For a really long time. I successfully shoved a whole lot of feelings down and packed lots of unresolved trauma away, avoiding the stillness.
I blame toxic productivity culture, which is a trend defined as an obsession, or addiction, to being productive. And the result is that one’s self-worth is measured by levels of productivity. I have definitely picked up somewhere along the way that productivity is best and rest is a sign of laziness. Without realizing it, I spent years trying to produce as a way of proving myself. Whether I was trying to impress a boss or my husband or myself, I was constantly spinning my wheels trying to check as many tasks off my list as humanly possible at any cost. I would run myself ragged. I would forget to eat. I wouldn’t take breaks. And, inevitably, I would hit a wall.