Ep 34 - Baby Steps
In this episode I talk about how there was a period of time when I was not okay, how we started to baby step our way into what we now refer to as Saturday Adventures and how doing an aerial obstacle course reminded me exactly of this grief journey I've been on for so long now.
There was a period of time, somewhere between when my husband died and when the world started opening back up again, where I was not okay. My anxiety was at an all time high. My nervous system completely dysregulated. I was hyper vigilant, every loud sound or sudden movement making me jump out of my skin. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, the next bad thing to happen.
From there we started to baby step our way into what we now refer to as Saturday Adventures. A botanical garden, a petting zoo or animal sanctuary, a beach clean up and of course, more hikes. The more I prove to myself that I can do it, the more confident I feel for the next adventure. And now I’ve got the bug so I’m constantly poking around looking for which trail to tackle next. My son is exactly like me. The more we know and schedule and plan, the less likely we are to have a meltdown. So each week I find somewhere for us to go and on Saturday we just get up and head out.
It reminded me exactly of this grief journey that I’ve been on for so long now. How much more challenging and impossible it was than I thought anything could ever be. How terrified and alone I felt while everyone was cheering me on. “Look how strong you are! You’re doing great!” When I didn’t feel strong or great. I felt like a mess. And the only reason I kept going was I had no fucking choice. No one was coming to rescue me. It was just me. Out there. All by myself. And the only way to get through it was to keep going.