Ep 39 - Courage
In this episode I talk about how nothing about anxiety makes logical sense, how I can do bugs but I can't do medical stuff and how it's easy to blame my late husband for everything that goes wrong.
Nothing about anxiety makes logical sense. In fact, whenever I’ve tried to explain my fear to someone it sounds ridiculous coming out of my mouth. I’ve actually had people laugh before and say to me don’t be silly. Nothing is going to happen to you. They clearly don’t have anxiety. Because telling someone not to worry never, ever works. It’s infuriating, really. Like being told to calm down when you’re angry.
I was anxious. I was insecure. I was helpless. I can do bugs. But I can’t do medical stuff. Injuries, mysterious symptoms, random pains. No, thank you. And it’s bad enough when it’s me but it's ten times worse when it’s my kid. Because he can’t give me any information. Every question I ask is met with I don’t know or it’s hard to explain. Useless.
But mostly I was angry at my husband for leaving me here to do this. This life. This challenging, terrifying, lonely life. By myself. He’s an easy target seeing how he’s no longer here to defend himself. It’s easy to blame him for everything that goes wrong. Every struggle. Every bump in the road. And every heartbreak.