Ep 41 - One Of Those Days
In this episode I talk about how I'm guilty of grabbing my phone and scrolling through it for a solid hour before I get out of bed, how my son fainted and I think it was a panic attack and how I don't think people realize when they ask me how my husband died that they are asking me to relive the worst day of my life.
The fun thing about anxiety for me is that I can set an alarm and worry all night about being jump scared out of sleep or I can not set an alarm and worry all night about oversleeping. Either way, worrying is the theme and I tend to wake up several times and check the time just in case. The thing is, I always wake up way earlier than I need to. Sometimes I can actually force myself back to sleep. But mostly I’m guilty of grabbing my phone and scrolling through it for a solid hour before getting out of bed.
He looked a little pale and I thought he needed to throw up so I stood up to run with him to the bathroom. But he didn’t run. He just stood there looking straight ahead. And then, he fell backward, stiff as a board, onto the living room floor. I fucking panicked. I didn’t know what was going on. My logical brain stopped working. I looked at the babysitter and screamed, “help me.”
What I don’t think people realize when they ask me how my husband died is that they are asking me to relive the worst day of my life. That my body remembers the phone call and the shock and the guilt of it all. And that I feel anxious, the same way I did when I found out because part of me still can’t believe that it’s true.