Ep 45 - Square One
In this episode I talk about how on the last day of summer break I woke up with a migraine, how I used to panic regularly after my husband died and how I had finally gotten to a point where I could see anxiety as a feeling and not some scary monster outside of me.
On the Sunday before school started, I woke up with a migraine. I was so frustrated. Not only was it the last day of summer break, where I felt obligated to do something magical and fun, but I knew the four day ordeal was going to cut into my long awaited free time.
I used to panic regularly, after my husband died, because my nervous system was so disregulated that everything felt like an emergency. I would feel it coming but I would try to ignore it and make it go away, which ultimately just made it worse. And whatever I thought I was feeling in my body in the first place would become stronger and scarier and my mind would start to spin. I would think of all the possible outcomes and tragic things that could happen to me that would leave my son all alone without parents.
I had finally gotten to a point where I could see anxiety as a feeling and not some scary monster outside of me or something that had control over me. I could recognize when I was feeling anxious that there were thoughts I was having to cause that feeling and I could stop it in its tracks.