Letter From My Future Self

Close your eyes and imagine your future self. The one that has weathered this storm and is steady now. Think of the best version of you. The you that has arrived. The one you dream of becoming one day. Picture yourself after the dust has settled and you find your way again, on the other side of now. and you are thriving. You are living your best life and you are proud.

I can see her, laughing with her head thrown back and her eyes closed. She is happy now. The breeze is blowing through her hair, her toes in the sand. The sun is on her skin and she is free. She has peace and she is right where she needs to be. She is strong. She powered through. She fought and clawed and never gave up. She won the race. She is calm. She is courageous and she is brave. She is home. She is living and loving and crushing her dreams. She is me.

When she looks back at me, she remembers. The heartache, the disappointment, the overwhelm. She remembers the uncertainty, the loneliness and the weight of the world bearing down on her. She knows the struggle. She knows the exhaustion and frustration and the worry. So much worry all the time. And the tears. She felt like she could drown. There were so many times she could have given up but she kept going. She dug deep. She pushed through. But she will never forget. She shares with me now what I desperately need to hear.

I know it all seems impossible right now but hold on. I promise, you will get through this. I know you feel paralyzed with fear while your world is spinning out of control. Just keep fighting. You will have moments where you feel like you are breaking and times where you just break down. You are human. Be gentle with yourself. You are sure there is no end in sight and the grief will swallow you whole. You are numb. You argue with reality. You beg for answers you will never receive to questions you have asked a thousands times. How can this be happening? You feel helpless.

It seems like nobody understands but you. You are isolated. You're convinced no one has ever been where you are and survived. They don't know. They tell you you're strong when you are falling apart. They assume you are fine when you can't breathe. Can't they see? They tell you to move on. They tell you you're doing great. They keep living their lives. How dare they? You feel abandoned. You are not alone. You are loved.

You feel the anxiety deceiving you with all its lies. It makes you think it is productive by consuming all your time. It seems like overthinking will protect you somehow but it won't. It isn't serving you. Worry is not preventing a single thing. It's in your way. You are safe. You have nothing to be afraid of anymore. Everything you want is on the other side. Let that shit go.

Healing is messy. It's going to take some time so find your faith. You feel like you have nothing left but you always do. Trust me. This won't last forever. You are not weak. You are fucking brave. You aren't broken. You are perfect. You are enough. So don't you dare give up on me. You will find happiness again. If anyone deserves it, it's you. Give yourself permission to be free.

It's time to start living again. Little by little. Find what makes you smile. Laugh sometimes. Surround yourself with people who believe in you. Start dreaming again. Discover your passion. Figure out what lights you up and run toward it. It feels like you can't do this but you already are. One step at a time, day by day, you are doing this. And you, girlfriend, can do hard things. You can move forward now. There is so much waiting for you. You'll see...

Love,

Your Badass Future Self