moving on

the latest in my messy little life

Happy Aloha Friday!

To be perfectly honest, I'm not really that sentimental. Maybe it's because I've moved so may times in my life or that clutter makes me anxious but I secretly love getting rid of stuff. The spreadsheet nerd in me is also the lover of bins and shelves (a nickname my husband used to tease me with) and other organizational tools.

I like when everything has it's place. I like when I can always find what I'm looking for. I like when there are no piles or mountains or crap scattered about. I'm not a neat freak per se. I just prefer order.

My husband was a bit of a pack rat, saving every receipt, ticket stub and business card he ever came in contact with. And my son is a self proclaimed hoarder. Everything that kid has ever touched is special. Meanwhile, I have no problem parting with most things that I don't see any use for anymore. I am constantly donating, storing or tossing things out. I used to jokingly text my husband, "hide all your shit. I'm cleaning house!"

It recently came to my attention that the bed I've been sleeping in is over twelve years old. It's been on my never ending to-do list for a while now but I kept putting it off. It seemed like an awfully big task with a lot of decisions to be made and I don't know the first thing about beds.

But because of my frequent migraine attacks and trips to the chiropractor, I became convinced that I needed a new bed immediately. So I marched right into the mattress store and asked for help. I gave the salesperson all the pertinent information like that I'm a side sleeper and that my son still sleeps in my bed and that I like big, heavy blankets but get hot in the middle of the night.

I was shown a few options and got to work testing them out. As I was lying there, it dawned on me that this was no time to be cheap. This was an investment. And I really value my sleep. So I decided to splurge. I purchased a cooling foam mattress with an adjustable base. A mattress protector, pillows and sheets were included along with an extended warranty. We made arrangements for delivery of the new bed and removal of the old one for the following day.

As I drove away, I was elated. I couldn't wait to finally get a good night sleep. And then I felt it. This little nagging thought in the back of my mind. The old bed, our bed, is the last connection I have to my late husband. Getting rid of it felt like getting rid of him. I never expected to feel so attached to something like a bed.

It felt like I was tossing out our history. All the years we spent, sleeping there together, with our son snuggled up between us. All the nights I would lie there, wide awake, listening to him snore. All the time I spent sleeping there alone after he left. And now, my son sleeping there next to me instead of him. After my husband died, I asked my son if there was anything of his daddy's that he wanted to keep. He said, "his side of the bed."

I know logically that the bed is not a part of him and that getting rid of it doesn't change how I feel. I also know that I can always hold onto those memories even after it's gone. But tell that to my heart. It's so hard to think we are moving on without him. Grief is a never ending journey full of surprises. And I just keep trying to find a way to move forward without letting him go.

Until next time,

Aloha