Once in a blue moon, I have a day where I am ready to conquer the world. Where the birds are singing and the sun is shining and I feel great. And I try to take full advantage of these because they seem to be few and far between.
This week I had one of those days. And it felt so good to be back. After a marathon migraine and my body's rejection of hormone replacement therapy, I was ready to feel good again. I was looking forward to being able to move my body and to be productive and do all the things.
I made a new playlist and attempted a run. I tried a more challenging style of yoga. I organized some paperwork and started a new book. I sat on my lanai and watched a life coach training video. I cooked turkey burgers and red potatoes and broccoli for dinner. I journaled and texted a friend.
And somewhere in between all of that, I took a break. I was scrolling on my phone when I came across a friend's Instagram. It was a video of her making leis to The Hawaiian Wedding Song.
In my wedding, I surprised my husband by dancing hula to this song. I learned it in secret from a friend at work. I practiced when he wasn't home. At that time, it was probably the most special moment of my life.
And as I was watching her video and reminiscing, I was singing along to the words.
This is the moment
Of sweet aloha
I will love you longer than forever
Promise me that you will leave me never
Tears started running down my face. And I was completely caught off guard. A grief grenade is a trigger brought on by a memory or a scent or a scene on TV that gets dropped on you like a bomb. It's unexpected and uncomfortable and it's a reminder that your person is gone. I was minding my own business, having a great day when it hit me like a ton of bricks. That song. Reminding me of that moment. When life was perfect.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think that we would ever be apart or that I could become a widow. I was blissfully ignorant and believed that everything would be magical. Happily ever after and all of that.
I have a playlist called Sad Songs that I listen to when I need a good cry. When I'm anxious and overwhelmed and everything is piling up. I have a hard time letting it out because I'm so good at holding it in. It's easier. It's safer. It's less messy. But it always catches up to me.
So sometimes late at night I sit in my bed with my airpods in and just bawl my eyes out. Each song has their own memory and their own sentimental meaning. And every single one of them makes me cry. But nothing gets me quite like this one. The one that brings me back to the moment before everything slowly and completely fell apart.
