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  • suzannedenigris

who moved my cheese?

the latest in my messy little life

Happy Aloha Friday!

Recently, I wanted to hire a housekeeper but was afraid of what it might mean. I've been having frequent migraines and been having a hard time keeping up. With so many rest days, I feel like I am always doing just enough but never really able to get ahead. I was afraid that hiring help would mean that I was a failure. I didn't want to feel incompetent. I had a story that I made up in my mind that people would judge me and think that I was struggling. The truth is, I am struggling. We all are.

I had cleaners once before, not long after my husband died. At that time, I had a full time job and was newly grieving. I was juggling all the things and trying to prove to the world (and to myself) that I could handle it all. I was in survival mode. I hardly knew which end was up. It felt justified to ask for help and, even then, it wasn't easy. Now, I am a stay-at-home mom and am almost four years out from losing him. My son is in school all day and it seems I should be able to clean my own house.

After a couple of coaching sessions and a conversation with my therapist, I decided that I deserve to have someone clean my house. That I don't need to have a job or a dead husband or recurring migraines to bring someone in to clean. I don't have to have a valid reason or an explanation or consider what other people might think. I can hire someone because I want to, no questions asked. So, I did.

I scheduled my first deep clean for a Friday morning when my son would be at school. I packed up my laptop, water and snacks and headed to the pool for the day to get out of the way. It took two of them six hours to scrub my house down. And when I returned, and took a look around, it was like magic. There were no more smudges on the mirrors or dust on the blinds. The carpet was cat hair free. The sinks and showers were sparkling clean. It felt like a relief. And then I opened the cupboards.

They had taken everything out of the cupboards and drawers to wipe the insides down. They replaced everything I own in a new and different way. The silverware was arranged in a different order. My favorite mug was behind the ones I never use. I'm still looking for the lid to thermos I use to pack my son's lunch for school. It was as though they decided I was doing it all wrong. I felt displaced and defensive. I don't like change.

I felt like I was in someone else's house. Someone else's very clean house. So, after some cleansing breaths and a little bit of rearranging, I decided it was worth the minor inconvenience and I've already scheduled my next cleaning. In the meantime, I'll be in the kitchen looking for the can opener if anyone needs me.

Until next time,


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